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Lohk Kee Kahingey — what will people say

mother—stretched and looming
her face like a canvas above my bed

a frozen mirror
bathing me in guilt

pulling her daughter to places
so many places I don’t want to go

but that never matters because
lohk kee kahingey if we don’t show up

nodding happy hanging sad
carefully matching expressions of other women

emotions silently in unison because
lohk kee kahingey if we don’t commiserate

we stuff dollar bills into envelopes
for dowries engagements weddings

schooling poor cousins because
lohk kee kahingey if we are not generous

we slip loose change
into donation boxes

as we kneel bow pray
at the gurdwara beside brass vases

fake flowers burning incense
lohk kee kahingey

if we don’t offer enough
to old gods of new temples

the sound of long-distance phone calls
parents yelling booming trying to fill

the awful distances between here
and there between us and them

we mumble hellos and goodbyes
to uncles and aunts who are faint memories

eroding memories no memories
because lohk kee kahingey if we don’t

stay connected to land that was once
home that still throbs under our dark skin

and binds our lives to rules
so many rules that don’t

make sense for us any more
but lohk kee kahingey

if we give up traditions customs culture
so we tighten our turbans and put away

scissors and razors and tether wives and bridle
our children and arrange houses and lives

and marriages in the Indian way
the Punjabi way the Sikh way

because lohk kee kahingey
if we look sound live

like our neighbours lohk kee kahingey
when we become them

 

Moni Brar

Moni Brar is an uninvited settler on unsurrendered territories of the Treaty 7 region and the Syilx of the Okanagan Nation. She is a Punjabi, Sikh Canadian writer exploring diasporan guilt, identity, cultural oppression, and intergenerational trauma. She believes in the possibility of healing through literature. Her work appears in PRISM internationalHart House Review, ExistereThe Maynarduntethered, and other publications.

About

Moni Brar is an uninvited settler on unsurrendered territories of the Treaty 7 region and the Syilx of the Okanagan Nation. She is a Punjabi, Sikh Canadian writer exploring diasporan guilt, identity, cultural oppression, and intergenerational trauma. She believes in the possibility of healing through literature. Her work appears in PRISM internationalHart House Review, ExistereThe Maynarduntethered, and other publications.